A lot of people ask me why I don't have a boyfriend...

I have one answer: "Ayaw ko muna..." (I don't want one, yet)

Why? They ask me again. It's actually a long and sob story and I don't usually discuss it with anyone. But I feel like it's time to get to know myself better... and yes, blogging helps.

The last time I had a relationship, I didn't really understand what it meant to fall in love with another person. I thought (and I have always thought) that it was giving everything to that person you care about... no matter what it cost you.

I gave my everything to the other person... my time... my effort... my love... and my biggest mistake was that I forgot to leave some for myself.

Whenever we were apart, I was a mess... I have reconstructed my life to revolve around the person that I couldn't function well if we didn't have ANY form of contact.

When we finally separated, there was this big hole in my chest where my love for myself should have been... but I gave away everything... and I was just empty.

At that point, I didn't have any emotions. I was numb from the chest down... and my brain was bullying me for ignoring its suggestions for the whole term of the relationship.

I tried to hold on to the person... hoping to bring back whatever emotions I had before... happiness, sadness, anger, ANYTHING. But I was cast aside.

It's true that the most painful thing after a relationship ends badly is not losing the other person... it was losing yourself.

I lost myself. I couldn't function properly as a person... because my reason for functioning was taken away from me.

Now, I promised myself that I will never allow that to happen again.

I will never lose myself because of another person. I will love myself first. I will take care of myself... and any love that overflows from me will be shared to others.

I still have that instinct of looking for a boyfriend... then I stop myself. You've been there before, I tell myself. Be a friend, nothing more. Don't ever forget to love yourself first.

Being selfless is not putting the happiness of others before your own... it's being so happy that you let others be happy too.

I want to be that kind of person... someone who radiates so much happiness that others can be happy too. And I still have a lot of work to do.

I think I'm going to start my 2014 bucket list now. :)